Weird Nannas

I’m so strange today….Like I’m all jittery because I had a think of caffeiene (uhoh…) but I’m super emotional right now b/c of the monthly visitor…Like I’m all mopey because I miss my friends in O-HI-O. I wish I could have them all move in right now with me…But I’m happy because I’m making some good changes to my life. And then I’m also on that rollar coaster ride called “Grad School!” and right now I’ve gone over two small hills and swerved around a sharp (read: enjoyable) turn and now I’m creeping up that STEEP hill that frightens me but I know ultimately when i get to the top I’ll see over the bottem and everything and then I will be able to bulldoze through all my future school work. I’m just totally not motivated, but I’m getting there… I’m definately ready for this roller coaster to be over..

And then I’m in bed last night, talk to matthew, and I’m getting so upset and jealous of him because I can’t do the things I enjoy. He enjoys messing with linux and stuff like that. I’m so proud of him for experimenting and keeping up with the technology and not letting it consume it like things I enjoy seemed to do to me. Like for me when I want to do a puzzle, I will forgo everything to work on it. I’ll avoid homework, instant messenger, sometimes even tv (*gasp*) the same thing happens for knitting, sewing, reading my own types of books, or other types of stuff. I know that i cannot pick anything like that up because I will stop doing school work all together. It scares me to even to try to do something fun. I’m afraid that I’ll be so sucked in that I won’t be able to get out and that I’ll fail school. Ideally I’d love to be able to casually pick up something and work on it. I even keep my knitting out to just pick up and work with when i watch tv but I keep myself from doing that b/c I’m so afraid. This is not fair!!! I want to be able to play computer games, read agatha christie and do a damn puzzle!!! When school is over, I will not have kids until I’ve done just what I’ve listed….well ideally I won’t. I really hope this fear does not stay with me when I do have kids….I can’t be that neurotic, can I?? Argh, Sorry folks, just definately needed to get that out. NOw I gotta jet. Ciao.

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